Can you guess where that famous painter’s ear went?
Not sure, but I saw it get in a Van and Gogh!
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Yo momma so fat she prevents ships from going to hyperspace.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Toad.”
“Toad, who?”
“Toadally awesome, it’s your birthday!”
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How do you know there’s no hair on the moon?
The moon waxes 14 times a month!
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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.
But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
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Did you hear about the worst faith healer ever?
He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
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What killed the painter?
He had too many strokes.
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Even though it’s been 20 years since my grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi...
It’s still pretty raw.
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Did you hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he’s a whywolf.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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Scientists experimented on a rabbit and a bug, guess what they get?
A bugs bunny.
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A townie was looking for the May Day Fair, he stopped and asked Jethro, ”Will this road take me to the May Day Fair?”
“Oh no,” said Jethro. “You’ll have to go by yourself!”
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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
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I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
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What do you call guys who love math?
Algebros.
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A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
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Why are bass guitarists always safe?
Because they stay out of treble.
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What do marathoners and computer scientists have in common?
They want the fastest running time.
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Why is it so easy to fool an octopus?
They’re all suckers.
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