Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
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It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
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How did the cowboy save so much money?
His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.
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What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business.
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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What’s under the Pillsbury Doughboy’s apron?
Donuts.
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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Shouldn’t you be minding your business and looking out for low flying objects?
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Chuck Norris didn’t survive the first night in Minecraft, the first night survived Chuck Norris.
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What type of construction are dogs good at?
Roofing.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
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What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
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Why was Joyce Byers obsessed over magnets?
On a normal day, she just finds them attractive.
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What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!
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One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.
Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.
Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didn’t really need any.
As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote “Don’t despair. Sister Ruth”, on a piece of paper.
She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the man’s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.
The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.
She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What’s this?” she asked, puzzled and confused.
“That’s the $8,000 you have coming, Sister”, the man replied. “Don’t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!”
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I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.
He was a real fun-gi.
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What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?
An orangutan.
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