My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.
How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.
😄 😄 😄
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
😄 😄 😄
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
😄 😄 😄
Didn’t Snoop Dogg change his name?
Or was Snoop Lyin’?!
😄 😄 😄
Only you can prevent narcissism.
And if anyone tells you otherwise, they’re just jealous!
😄 😄 😄
Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird.
The A-gull and B-gull weren’t quite right.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!
😄 😄 😄
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
😄 😄 😄
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
😄 😄 😄
Monkey sees an Elephant climbing a banana tree.
Confused, monkey calls out to elephant, “Hey, elephant, why are you climbing that tree?”
Elephant says, “I’m going to eat me a mango!”
Monkey responds, “But that isn’t a mango tree!”
Elephant says, “Don’t worry about it, I brought my own.”
😄 😄 😄
Your hairline so far back, I learned about it in history class.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I replied, “I race motorcycles.”
She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”
I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”
😄 😄 😄
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fisherman who owns a slave?
A Master Baiter.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
😄 😄 😄
Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.
😄 😄 😄
Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion.
Yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel.
😄 😄 😄
