I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
😄 😄 😄
Sorry, I would’ve texted sooner but my phone just overheated.
I guess you’re just too hot for Tinder.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
😄 😄 😄
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
😄 😄 😄
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
😄 😄 😄
Two friends were discussing what they wanted to do with their lives.
One of them suggested data science.
“I’d much rather date a person, thank you,” said another.
😄 😄 😄
The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
😄 😄 😄
So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.
He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.
Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.
“Who are you?” the guy asks.
“I’m your hip replacement.”
😄 😄 😄
Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
😄 😄 😄
Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
😄 😄 😄
Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
😄 😄 😄
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?
A pineApple Mac.
😄 😄 😄
As long, you don’t have kids, your 30s are like your 20s, but with money.
😄 😄 😄
The Earth and the Moon were talking.
Earth: “Moon, how are you?”
Moon: ...
Earth: “Moon! Are you okay??”
Moon: “What? Sorry I was miles away.”
😄 😄 😄
How do alcoholics spend their long weekend off work?
By giving their liver a workout.
😄 😄 😄
What happened when the red boat crashed into the blue boat?
The crews were marooned.
😄 😄 😄
What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
😄 😄 😄
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
😄 😄 😄
