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A senator is visiting a primary school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, โ€œIf my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ the senator says, โ€œthat would be an ACCIDENT.โ€

A girl raises her hand, โ€œIf a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone insideโ€ฆ that would be a tragedy.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m afraid not,โ€ explains the senator. โ€œThat is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.โ€

The room is silentโ€”none of the other children dare volunteer.

โ€œWhat?โ€ asks the Senator, โ€œIsnโ€™t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?โ€

Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.

In a timid voice, he says, โ€œIf an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.โ€

โ€œMarvelous!โ€ the senator beams. โ€œAnd can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ says Johnny, โ€œbecause it wouldnโ€™t be an accident, and it certainly wouldnโ€™t be any great loss.โ€

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Yo mammaโ€™s so fat I thought sheโ€™d have Princess Leia on a leash beside her.

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My wife complained that I never take her to expensive places anymore.

So I took her to the gas station.

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What do moon people do after they get married?

Go on their honey-earth!

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I get plenty of exercise:

jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

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I missed my Skype work meeting today.

Itโ€™s funny how Iโ€™m not even remotely sorry!

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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?

Toot-and-come-in.

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Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

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I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden.

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

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โ€œHow long has your unit been broken?โ€ says the specialist.

โ€œTwo weeks,โ€ says the customer.

โ€œWhy did you wait so long?โ€ says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.โ€

โ€œMy in-laws were here,โ€ said the customer. โ€œThey wanted to stay for a month.โ€

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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.

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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?

Flanagan.

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What do you call a lot of cactus?

A cac-ton.

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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

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What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters.

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students, โ€œToday weโ€™ll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.โ€

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

โ€œHello, may I please speak to Dave?โ€ says the professor when the other person answers.

โ€œNo, Iโ€™m sorry, you have the wrong number,โ€ says the person on the other end.

โ€œYou see that students, thatโ€™s surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like.โ€

He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number.

When it answers, the professor asks, โ€œHi, can Dave come to the phone?โ€

โ€œI told you you have the wrong number!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s irritation, my friends,โ€ says the professor. โ€œNow, letโ€™s look at what rage looks like.โ€

He picks up the phone and dials the number again.

When it answers he asks, โ€œIs Dave available?โ€

โ€œLISTEN, YOU IDIOT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, Iโ€™LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DONโ€™T SHINE!!!โ€

โ€œAnd thatโ€™s rage.โ€

โ€œProfessor, you forgot the fourth stage,โ€ says a young man in the front row.

โ€œAnd what might that be?โ€ asks the professor.

โ€œItโ€™s called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate.โ€

He comes up to the podium, takes the professorโ€™s phone and dials the same number.

โ€œHello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?โ€

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Iโ€™ve just bought a new pair of spider silk trousers.

They look great, but the flies keep getting stuck.

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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad Iโ€™m a vampire.

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Yo mama so old not even the time stone could make her young.

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Why does the programmer think the Grinchโ€™s attitude isnโ€™t bad?

He says itโ€™s in beta.

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