I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
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Next time someone complains about Millennials, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
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Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework.
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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
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What type of music do Amish people like?
Tech no.
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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Every Spider-Man needs a Mary Jane...
Can you be my Mary Jane?
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“Guess what?”
“What?”
“Good guess.”
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What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?
Bob.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
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Call me a dentist, because you are too sweet.
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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!
It’ll be my New Year’s Revolution.
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Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
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Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?
He had a gunslinger beard!
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
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I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
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