If Trump was notified of an alien invasion.
“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”
“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system.”
“The alien ship is getting close to our American soil but there is nothing to worry about.”
“The aliens have landed off the coast of Florida but there is nothing to worry about, they’re just tourists.”
“Too many aliens are crossing our borders, we need to build a wall and make them pay for it and we WILL make them pay for it.”
“The aliens are eating our Americans, but don’t worry, they’ll eventually be stopped by our American armed forces in no time. You guys know a lot about aliens, right?”
“There are aliens outside of the white house but they’ll go away soon. We have riot police keeping everything under control.”
“The aliens have entered the white house, but don’t worry, we will negotiate something, and then everything will be back to normal.”
...
😄 😄 😄
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that, get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard later meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
😄 😄 😄
Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
“A lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”
😄 😄 😄
And you resemble a pole.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness?
Short and Stout.
😄 😄 😄
I’m reading a romance book in Braille. I don’t think I’ll finish.
It’s too touchy-feely for me.
😄 😄 😄
Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.
😄 😄 😄
The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
😄 😄 😄
How do you know there’s no hair on the moon?
The moon waxes 14 times a month!
😄 😄 😄
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
😄 😄 😄
Feel my shirt.
It’s boyfriend material.
😄 😄 😄
Today is a good day to die.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the candy bar cross the road?
Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!
😄 😄 😄
It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night.
I might need a space heater.
😄 😄 😄
How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when an elf takes a photo of himself?
Nothing! Elves don’t exist!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the new strategy where companies collaborate with ill celebrities?
It’s called influenza marketing.
It’s really going viral.
😄 😄 😄
