Good morning!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m aiming for the cheese today!
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What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
“Dear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.”
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I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.
I said, “Well, that’s a little ex stream.”
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Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.
Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.
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Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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I’ve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
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Traffic policeman: “Didn’t you hear my whistle, madam?”
Woman driver: “Yes, but I don’t like flirting while I’m driving.”
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Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
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Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
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Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
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Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
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Pros of working from home:
· No pants
· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
· You have to make your own coffee
· You talk to yourself too much.
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