Who is the only Looney Tunes character with a doctorate?
Elmer PhD.
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May the force be with you this morning, but first, coffee!
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Why is Patrick Star Arabic?
Because he lives under Iraq.
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I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.
After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?”
“Yes,” said the customer. “My boyfriend.”
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What did the fancy bearded goat order at the café?
A goa-tea.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
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There was this company names “Sofa King”, but we didn’t buy anything from them.
Because the prices were sofa king high.
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Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
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Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
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What do you call a Jewish fish?
Isra-eel.
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She: “I cheated on you.”
He: “Me too.”
She: “April, 1.”
He: “March, 20.”
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How do zombies eat healthier?
They switch to vegetarians.
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Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday.
Rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
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Me: “I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.”
Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
Me: “Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Harry.”
“Harry, who?”
“Harry up and open your gifts, it’s your birthday!”
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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
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What do you call a guy who’s mad about his feet getting run over?
Lack-toes intolerant.
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Didn’t Snoop Dogg change his name?
Or was Snoop Lyin’?!
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My tight-fisted neighbor doesn’t want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he’s going to try and do it himself.
“How hard can it be?” he said.
I think he’s in for a shock.
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What bird has the worst manners?
A mocking-bird.
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