Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”
Patient: “Which one?”
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Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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Girls say I’m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala.
I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
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Your forehead is so big it could carry all the passengers of the Titanic.
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What do Vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
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What’s Shrek’s favorite item of clothing?
An ogrecoat.
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What do you call a frozen frankfurter?
A chili dog.
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I decided to make a witty perfume.
My colleague said the most important component should be the scents of humor.
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Chuck Norris called 911 and asked if they needed help.
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I finally was chosen to pick toppings for the hot dogs!
I relished the opportunity!
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What is the difference between José Mourinho and God?
God doesn’t think he’s José Mourinho.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl you know unless you open the door?”
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There are two ways of waking up in the morning.
One is to say, “Good morning, God,”
And the other is to say, “Good God, morning!”
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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What do you call tortilla chips with guns?
Loaded Nachos.
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Ole and Lena went fishing one day on a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy.
Lena said, “We better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow and catch more fish.”
Ole then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large “X”.
Lena asked him what he was doing, and Ole told her he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Lena said, “You big dummy, how do you know we are going to get the same boat tomorrow?”
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