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Iโ€™m not saying Iโ€™m a bad cook.

But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?

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How many astronauts have probed Uranus?

Zero. Thereโ€™s too much gas.

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Apparently, itโ€™s good to talk to your sunflowers.

I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.

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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Heโ€™s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, โ€œWhatโ€™s in the bags?โ€

โ€œSand,โ€ answered Juan.

The guard says, โ€œWeโ€™ll just see about that, get off the bike!โ€

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the manโ€™s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, โ€œWhat have you got?โ€

โ€œSand,โ€ says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesnโ€™t show up one day and the guard later meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

โ€œHey, Buddy,โ€ says the guard, โ€œI know you are smuggling something. Itโ€™s driving me crazy. Itโ€™s all I think about. I canโ€™t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?โ€

Juan sips his beer and says, โ€œBicycles.โ€

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What did Helen Kellerโ€™s parents do when they caught her swearing when she was a child?

They washed her hands with soap.

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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still donโ€™t know to whom that leg belonged.

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A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, โ€œMan! Iโ€™m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You canโ€™t beat that!โ€

The engineer replied, โ€œYou wanna see something better? Letโ€™s go back to the shop and Iโ€™ll show you real stealing.โ€

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, โ€œDo you wanna see magic?โ€

The shop boy replied, โ€œYes!!!โ€

The engineer said, โ€œGive me one chocolate bar.โ€

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, โ€œBut whereโ€™s the magic?โ€

The engineer replied, โ€œCheck in my friendโ€™s pocket, and youโ€™ll find them!โ€

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How do you know itโ€™s time to retire?

Itโ€™s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!

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The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing, except Santa.

He wrote:ย Due To Rain, No Match.

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didnโ€™t have a dog.

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Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.

โ€œSee that over there? What is that?โ€ says the first crow.

The second crows takes a long look, โ€œThatโ€™s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesnโ€™t it.โ€

โ€œHow can you tell itโ€™s a scarecrow and not a person?โ€ replies the first crow.

โ€œLook at itโ€™s hand. No cellphone,โ€ says the second crow.

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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?

Octopi.

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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

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I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test.

I blew it.

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Husband says to his wife.

Husband: โ€œIโ€™m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: โ€œOoh, am I coming?โ€

Husband: โ€œNo, Iโ€™m turning the heating off.โ€

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What do you call someone whoโ€™s happy on Mondays?

Retired!

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What do snowmenย eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes.

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I canโ€™t stop my mushroom from leaning.

I think I need some morel support.

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