I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
😄 😄 😄
Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
😄 😄 😄
An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
😄 😄 😄
August 20, 2020:
Scientists have discovered a “mystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.
March 1, 2021 (Update):
Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.
😄 😄 😄
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.
“How you like it?” asked the barber.
“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”
😄 😄 😄
In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium.
Because she is always responding with “K”.
😄 😄 😄
I went on a date with Spider-Man, but he was super clingy.
😄 😄 😄
I mustache Mario a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
😄 😄 😄
Are you made of ice cream?
Because I can’t wait to eat you up!
😄 😄 😄
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
😄 😄 😄
Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?
So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Taylor Swift bring a broken leg to her concert?
Because it wanted to experience firsthand the “break-up” songs she’s famous for.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cargo.”
“Cargo, who?”
“Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.”
😄 😄 😄
The Earth was flat until Chuck Norris looked in its direction.
Then it rolled up into a ball.
😄 😄 😄
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the house owner not allow the nine ants to enter?
Because they were not ten ants.
😄 😄 😄
Why does ketchup on hot dogs spoil early?
Because the sauce-ages.
😄 😄 😄
You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
😄 😄 😄
