The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”
“Why would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.
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I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.
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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
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Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?
Because it was too blue.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”
The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”
The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”
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What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
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Every summer I get bit by exactly one thousand twenty-four bugs.
My wife told me to get over it because it was just one byte.
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Yeah, god only lets things grow until they’re perfect.
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John F. Kennedy was feeling down one November afternoon.
He decided to go on a ride to clear his head.
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What do you call pandas on April 1st?
Bamboo-zler!
😄 😄 😄
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
“I’M BREADY TO DIE!”
😄 😄 😄
What is messy coder’s blood group?
Type O.
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Yo mama so poor when she found a penny she thought she had hit the lottery.
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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?
He was already a friend of bills.
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You’re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
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I’m very familiar with paranormal activity.
I keep getting ghosted.
😄 😄 😄
What do the Backstreet Boys and algebra teachers have in common?
They both want you to tell them Y.
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Why did they arrest the volleyball player?
They suspected foul play.
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