I hate it when someone tries to butter me up.
I like jam more.
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Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
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My boss said to me, “You must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?”
I said, “As you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.”
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Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
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My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!
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A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
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I guess your parents are bakers.
Because they made such a cutie pie!
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Dad: “My first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”
Friend: “Wow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”
Dad: “Nah… he is the only one who makes money.”
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Luke.”
“Luke, who?”
“Luke out, I’m about to fart!”
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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
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A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
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So Marvel and IKEA decided to do a crossover series.
Marvel replaced the “Suit up” catchphrase with “Avengers Assemble”.
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
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What does the pun writer use to write his puns?
A pun-cil.
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Why did the llama cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off.
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If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
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