
Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked βinsufficient fundsβ, you call and ask if they meant you or them.
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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, βLook, the bear and I are both carnivores. Itβs been a couple days without food. You understand, right?β
The moose says, βYeah, I guess youβre right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but Iβve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?β
The wolf says, βOf course.β
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, βI donβt even know why the hell I looked. I canβt even read.β
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didnβt relish it.
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It is said regarding motivation that βthe first step is always the hardestβ.
As someone with plantar fasciitis, I could not agree more.
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A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatβs wrong.
She says, βBill proposed to me an hour ago.β
Her mother asks, βWhy are you so sad then?β
The girl replies, βBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnβt even believe thereβs a hell.β
Her mother says, βMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weβll show him how wrong he is.β
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I get plenty of exercise:
jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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Morals:
1. Money is not everything. Thereβs also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So donβt touch them.
6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
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Since quarantine Iβve not had a haircut. Hell, Iβve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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Iβve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
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The doctor took an x-ray of my heart and almost fainted.
Frightened, he asked me what happened.
I told him, βDonβt worry; I gave my heart to you. Thatβs why itβs missing.β
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and canβt figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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What do you call a Chinese lobster?
A crust-asian.
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My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheβs imaginary.
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How many people can you fit in one Honda?
Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.
Kid 1: βI have a pen that can write underwater.β
Kid 2: βWow really?!β
Kid 1: βYep. It can write other words, too.β
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How does Shrek like his eggs?
Ogre easy.
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Why is the moon constantly moody?
Sheβs just going through a phase.
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