What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
Me ghosta.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turkey.
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Why did the ice cream truck break down?
Because of the rocky road.
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Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.
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Why will the Flat Earth Society never be popular?
Because they cant get the word a round.
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?
You had me at “hello world”.
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Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?
Waiting for the punchline.
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My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.
It’s part of her minstrel cycle.
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.
It was tearable.
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What do you call a washing machine with a September?
An autumn-atic washer.
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Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?
He was trying to learn how to define muscle.
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Yo daddy is so ugly that he looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.
“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.”
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I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
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What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
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You’re so observant, would you like me to pat you on your back?
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