A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Quick, jump out the window,” she says to him.
“What???” the guy says. “We’re on the 13th floor!”
She says, “Just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”
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He goes up to a lady and holds out his phone to her.
He: “Would you mind holding this for a second?”
He: “...Does my phone feel light to you?”
She: “I guess?”
He: “I knew it it’s been feeling light all day, and I just can’t figure out.”
He: “...I figured it out!”
She: “What?”
He: “It’s missing your number.”
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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
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I really don’t understand why people tell 9/11 jokes.
What happened on the ninth of November?
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Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
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What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar.
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Teacher: “Class, choose between money and brain.”
Akpos: “I’d go for the money!”
Teacher: “I’d go for brain!”
Akpos: “Well, everybody goes for what he doesn’t have.”
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Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
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How do zombies eat healthier?
They switch to vegetarians.
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
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What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?
He couldn’t put it down!
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You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.
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I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Not as old as.”
“Not as old as, who?”
“Still not as old as you!”
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I had a roommate in college who was such a bad cook, his mac and cheese caught fire.
What a flaming casserole!
😄 😄 😄
The cactus is talking to his wife.
Wife: “You’re so selfish. You have to remember that it’s cact-US.”
Cactus: “Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I.”
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AI will never take away my job.
Only an idiot would do my job.
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You’re so fat that the only job interview question they ask is if you can fit through the door.
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People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
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