What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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Me, at the hot dog stand: “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”
Hot dog guy: “Sure. Won’t be long.”
Me: “In that case, can I have two?”
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Why does a dog stay in a shadow?
Because it doesn’t want to be a hot dog.
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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Why is Minecraft so popular with kids?
Because they love to hang out on corners.
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What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
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Yo momma is so fat she makes Jabba look like Calista Flockhart.
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
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What do the Backstreet Boys and algebra teachers have in common?
They both want you to tell them Y.
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A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
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Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish?
Her name is Iris.
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”
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A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time, the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up, but it won’t fit unless he cuts it into smaller pieces. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn’t realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal worker says, “You can’t send a salad like that, it needs adressing.”
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
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What day creates the most alternative energy?
Winds-Day.
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What did the bully do to the orange?
Beat him to a pulp.
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