What did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?
“Which craft?”
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What do you call a camel with no hump on a Wednesday?
Humph-rey.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Beak.”
“Beak, who?”
“Beak careful that you don’t get pranked on April Fools’ Day.”
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first and the redhead second.
The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”
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Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
There’s more geese on that side.
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Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?
It was an old family recipe.
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If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
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Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.
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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
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Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had bad blood.
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
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A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
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My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
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Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.
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After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
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The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
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