Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.
You can’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.
😄 😄 😄
The worst thing about Friday the 13th is Monday the 16th.
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What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Wanda.”
“Wanda, who?”
“Wanda know what you’re getting for Christmas?”
😄 😄 😄
What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
😄 😄 😄
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
😄 😄 😄
Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
😄 😄 😄
An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips.
Which of them buys the crackers?
The elephant. Because the ape always buys the dip.
😄 😄 😄
It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
😄 😄 😄
I recently played in a Star Wars themed cricket match.
Every time the ball was delivered the umpire struck back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.
😄 😄 😄
Are you an electrician?
Because you’re definitely lighting up my night!
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about that dyslexic Japanese samurai?
He was so dishonored, that he committed Sudoku.
😄 😄 😄
