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How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They can’t reach that high.

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My favorite character in the wizard of oz is the scarecrow.

I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer!

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What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?

M’stache.

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From now on, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It’s a solid plan.

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Man: β€œDude, my wife just crashed my Mustang!”

Friend: β€œOMG, is she okay?”

Man: β€œWell, she may need some buffering and a new coat of paint, but she should be alright.”

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What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?

Neck-romance-y.

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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

I’ve been banned for life from that shop.

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What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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What did the underpaid data scientist say?

β€œI need arrays.”

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Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party.

You want to do it, but you don’t want to be the first, and you definitely don’t want to be the only one.

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Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy.

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I’d hate to be a dragon.

I’d get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.

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How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?

He became a vegetarian.

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What’s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

Peak Aboo.

And which one gives them a flu?

Peak Achoo.

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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1. Crimes

2. Accidents

3. Marriages

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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

English teacher: β€œYou mean history.”

Student: β€œDon’t change the subject!”

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Have you ever tried to buy tickets to the Taylor concert?

It isn’t so Swift.

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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.

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