When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
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The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
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Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?
His humor was too fowl.
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As long, you don’t have kids, your 30s are like your 20s, but with money.
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Why would marketers make good football players?
Because they’re good at “converting” opportunities.
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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?
The “inedible snowman”.
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A group of ducks flew overhead in a V formation.
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
It has more ducks.
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Pepito tells his dad, “Dad I got a 10 in school today.”
Pepito’s father asks him delighted, “How wonderful, Pepito! In which area did you get that qualification?”
Pepito responds, “I got 5 in spelling and 5 in history.
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What do gymnasts use to season their food in June, July, and August?
Somersault.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl good things come to those who wait.”
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code.
He refused to comment.
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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
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A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he can’t find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, “Would you dance with me?”
Filled with excitement, she yells, “Would I!”
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, “BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!”
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Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts!
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What is every policeman’s favorite charity fundraiser?
Dollars to Donuts.
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I’m on medication for my Pokémon Go addiction.
Gotacachemol.
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How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Every oven in the greasy hot dog restaurant was broken.
So the diners got a raw deal.
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