What’s a pun’s best trait?
His pun-ctuality.
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To whoever stole my Microsoft Office:
I’m coming after you. You have my Word!
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I had a race with an Asian today.
It was a Thai.
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”
To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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My friend showed me his huge comic book collection.
It was quite a Marvel.
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Boyfriend: “I love you.”
Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out of a plane.
For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
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A blonde crashed a helicopter.
The police officer asked her what happened.
She says, “It got cold, so I turned off the fan.”
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Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”
No one stands up.
Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
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My grandfather was a very intelligent man. He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon.
Only problem was it never really took off.
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
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Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?
Because she kept using a metal detector.
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A Sioux woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any painkillers because I’m in a big hurry,” the Sioux woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed, “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The Sioux woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
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I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.
It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.
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What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
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My PhD was about torque.
I guess that makes me a spin doctor.
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