I once saw a hippo that had a sinus infection.
I named it “The heaposnotamus”.
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What do you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.
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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back!”
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
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What bird has the worst manners?
A mocking-bird.
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A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
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I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
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Some cyclists are like clowns:
They dress funny.
They don’t follow any rules.
If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk.
How dairy.
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What does a dyslexic Mexican smoke?
Tabasco.
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What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A cab.
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Ole and Lena got married.
After a beautiful ceremony and a fun but modest reception, they got in Ole’s car and headed out on their honeymoon.
When they reached Saint Paul, Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee.
Lena said, “Ole, we’re married now. You can go farder.”
So Ole drove to Duluth.
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Yesterday was May The Fourth be with you. Today is Cinco de Mayo.
Combine the two and tomorrow is Revenge of the Sixth.
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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”
“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”
“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”
“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”
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How many shots can an Irish man handle?
About 10 rounds.
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