What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
😄 😄 😄
My crush told me that I’m pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I focus only on the positive things.
😄 😄 😄
Can February march?
No, but April may.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mermaids play badminton?
They might get caught in the net.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?
A pineApple Mac.
😄 😄 😄
What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
😄 😄 😄
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can make a robot bleed.
😄 😄 😄
If I ever go missing, I would like my photo, but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons.
This way my friends will know where to look for me.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.
And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Candice.”
“Candice, who?”
“Candice be the birthday cake? I’m starving!”
😄 😄 😄
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?
He logged in.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Howard.”
“Howard, who?”
“Howard you like to be fooled on April Fools’ Day?”
😄 😄 😄
My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
“But I never went to college,” I replied.
“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when you walk into a tea shop and feel like you’ve been there before?
Déja-brew.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the butter take the part in the new movie?
Because it didn’t like the roll it was being offered.
😄 😄 😄
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
😄 😄 😄
In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Every day several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.
By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital, it is often too late to save them. To solve this dangerous predicament, those with the highest positions in the Egyptian government hold a meeting.
“What shall we do about this hole plaguing our people?” Asks the first speaker.
Everyone is hesitant to answer, but then a man raises his hand.
“It is quite an easy solution,” he exclaims. “We keep an ambulance right next to the hole, so if people fall in, they can be pulled out and brought to the hospital right away.”
The council agrees and decides to implement this new solution the following day. However, with traffic there is still not enough time to get the victims to the hospital. So they hold another meeting.
“Having an ambulance ready is still not enough to save our people, we must do more.”
A different man raises his hand and speaks, “If getting to the hospital in time is the problem, then we must build a hospital next to the hole.”
Everyone claps seeing that they’ve found the solution.
But then the urban development chair speaks in response to this proposal, “The land next to the hole is simply not big enough,” he says, and the crowd stops clapping. “It seems we are back at step 1.”
In the back of the room a man stands and says with much confidence, “I have got it! We shall bring a truck full of dirt to the site of the hole, and we will fill it up.”
The council is ecstatic clapping for the man.
“...then we dig another hole next to the hospital.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
😄 😄 😄
