I’m not saying I’m a bad cook.
But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?
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How many astronauts have probed Uranus?
Zero. There’s too much gas.
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Apparently, it’s good to talk to your sunflowers.
I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.
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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.
People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that, get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard later meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
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What did Helen Keller’s parents do when they caught her swearing when she was a child?
They washed her hands with soap.
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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don’t know to whom that leg belonged.
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A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”
The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”
The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”
The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”
The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”
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How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
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The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing, except Santa.
He wrote: Due To Rain, No Match.
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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didn’t have a dog.
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Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
“See that over there? What is that?” says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, “That’s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn’t it.”
“How can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.
“Look at it’s hand. No cellphone,” says the second crow.
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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?
Octopi.
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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
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I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test.
I blew it.
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Husband says to his wife.
Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”
Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”
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What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?
Retired!
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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
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I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.
I think I need some morel support.
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