I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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How do you know someone is a good guitar player?
He’ll tell you.
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I don’t plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
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My life is like an overproduced comic book series.
It’s just one issue after another, and the plot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
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What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?
“What the hellmann!”
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How many Mcdonald’s workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they can’t climb the ladder.
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Santa Clause’s elves went to school, guess what they learned?
The elfabets.
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I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right.
On the right side, there is nothing left.
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Me: “I’m not able to stop making jokes.”
Doctor: “You can’t be serious.”
Me: “That’s right.”
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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Hairdresser: “Would you like a haircut?”
Boy: “No, I’d like them all cut.”
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Why did the daughter start eating donuts?
Because her mother said, “You better eat hole foods.”
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I love summer in Canada!
It’s my favorite day of the year!
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Why was ChatGPT bad at chess?
Because every time it said “check”, the system thought it was an error.
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blond in an even more outrageous bikini, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father. Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
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I’ve given up social media for the New Year, and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist.
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How do you know Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content?
Haven’t you watched Stranger Things?
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Yo mama so ugly the government decided to move Halloween to her birthday.
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