What’s a planet’s favorite keyboard key?
The space bar!
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldn’t find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
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There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.
If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
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Which store you shouldn’t enter on Friday the 13th?
The ghost-ery store.
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Yo momma is so fat she makes Jabba look like Calista Flockhart.
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I love your sweater.
I think it’s made out of spouse material.
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How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian?
Just spin him around in circles until he’s disoriented.
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You so ugly your mum ran up the stairs of the hospital when you were born and jumped off the roof.
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Employee: “Your careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”
HR: “That means your salary will be competing with your bills.”
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Dude sold his soul to Santa.
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
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My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
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Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
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Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
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What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
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What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?
A pineApple Mac.
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Britain’s most common owl?
The teatowel.
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What do you get when you cross a watermelon with broccoli?
A melon-coli snack.
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