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What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?

β€œAll good things must comb to an end.”

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β€œ911, what’s your emergency?”

β€œHey, I know it’s been a week since Halloween is over, but I’m seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbor’s tree is not a decoration.”

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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.

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I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school, and my friend asked, β€œYou play an instrument?”

I replied, β€œYeah, I play a little guitar.”

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I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.

And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.

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They’re vaccinating against bird flu again.

Call it a rooster shot.

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Did you hear about the fan who just bought Taylor Swift’s hair comb in an online auction?

It’s his closest brush with fame.

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What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?

β€œTake me to your Lieder!”

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What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?

A battery has a positive side.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDoughnut.”

β€œDoughnut, who?”

β€œDoughnut forget to close the door!”

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Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?

A bone.

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I went to the DIY store the other week and asked in which section I could find tools, bricks and tiles.

The guy said they were under Construction.

I asked when they would be finished.

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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

β€œA lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”

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Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?

Because it is very hole-y.

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What do you call a flu that became a musician?

Achoo-bacca.

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What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

β€œIf I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”

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An engineering student designed a robot that would take his exams for him.

The other designed a robot that could cheat off the first robot.

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When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.

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An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, β€œMr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of Β£1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to Β£1,100.”

The student said, β€œI see. The ethics question is β€˜Do I tell the client?’”

β€œWrong answer! The question is β€˜Do I tell my partner?’”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œIce cream every time I see a spider.”

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