
Good morning!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Iβm aiming for the cheese today!
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What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
βDear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.β
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I told my wife Iβd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.
I said, βWell, thatβs a little ex stream.β
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Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.
Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.
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Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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Iβve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
Heβs going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently heβs stuck in traffic and heβs going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: Heβs making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
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My wife says sheβs leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, βPlease donβt go, honey. Youβre the Obi-Wan for me.β
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Traffic policeman: βDidnβt you hear my whistle, madam?β
Woman driver: βYes, but I donβt like flirting while Iβm driving.β
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Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think Iβm allergic to Peanuts.
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norrisβ skydiving in Japan.
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Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttinβ.
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Why donβt they have Motherβs Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
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Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
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Pros of working from home:
Β· No pants
Β· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
Β· You have to make your own coffee
Β· You talk to yourself too much.
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