We really need to keep planet earth nice and tidy.
It is not Uranus, you know.
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What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
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Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?
It was his mane source of income.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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Why are writers really good at coding?
Because they are really into Pro grammar.
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I hired a sushi chef.
After a couple of weeks, I asked him what his favorite roll was.
He replied, “My payroll!”
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A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, “If the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?”
When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer.
After a moment of thought, he said, “Forty days.”
The teacher was naturally surprised.
“Pepito,” she said, “the distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didn’t make the question clear. Pretend that it’s all smooth and level ground. Now, how long would it take?”
Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.
“But why?” asked the teacher.
“Well, because you would constantly have to say ‘Excuse me’, ‘Pardon me please’, ‘Excuse me, sir’, ‘Pardon me, Miss’, ‘Excuse me’...”
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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
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The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
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Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
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Sergeant: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training.”
Private: “Thank you, sir!”
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There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
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Yo mamma is so ugly that not even Ewoks will let her into their clan.
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Hello morning!
If my bedhead had a resume, it would list ‘master of morning chaos.’
May your day be as well-organized as my hair isn’t!
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Yo Mama so fat when she was approaching the McDonald’s they closed due to an earthquake.
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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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Two doves got arrested. Guess what for?
They staged a coo.
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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
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Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.
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