A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with “UFO” written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blonde’s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
“Do you know what “UFO” stands for?” He asks.
“Of course.” She replies, “Unleaded Fuel Only.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Yah.”
“Yah, who?”
“No thanks, I use Bing or Google.”
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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?
A cac-tas-trophy.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite part of the joke?
The punch line!
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My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.
I hope I can afford it.
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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I am sweating like a Christian in a science class.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass player’s arm?
A tattoo.
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Yo momma so short she can’t say a thing without a microphone!
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
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Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game.
The Queen doesn’t wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to the opponent’s territory.
Most importantly, there’s only one Queen.
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My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I replied that I didn’t know he played cricket.
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You so ugly on Halloween someone said, “Scary costume!”
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One day, a blonde woman entered an auto body shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new auto.
The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her, so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could, and they’d all pop out.
The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.
After hearing the whole story, the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down.”
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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.
After a few hours I finally found the exit.
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The lobster is one shell of an animal.
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What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
The dentist.
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I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
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Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.
I’m pretty sure it was because of Uranus.
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