The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art dealer: “I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.”
Painter: “Wow! What’s the bad news?”
Art dealer: “He was your doctor.”
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What do you call a small, yellow onion?
A Min-ion.
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Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?
He took a day off without telling anyone!
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I recently took a trip to learn more about Greek culture and to gain a greater appreciation of their amazing works of art and architecture.
The British Museum is a really cool place.
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Why do people use wheelchairs?
Cause they can’t stand walking anymore.
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What did the Elf on the Shelf put on his face after shaving?
Elftershave.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s no mush-room.
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What’s a hen’s favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
😄 😄 😄
Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t sniper attacks work on volleyball players?
Because they always run for cover.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of socks do you need to plant broccoli?
Garden hose.
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Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
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Agency: “Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?”
MD: “Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone, and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:
1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.
2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.
3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...
12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn.
He dares it to grow.
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Why does Harry Styles keep splitting up with his girlfriends?
He’s got the X Factor.
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Why is the Elf on the Shelf’s favorite school subject?
Spilling.
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Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
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A driver goes into a car accessories store.
“I’d like a satnav, please.”
“OK,” said the assistant, “we have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.”
“I’ll just take the UK one, please,” said the driver.
“Are you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,” replied the assistant.
“No, the UK is fine,” said the driver, “it’s for the Liverpool team bus next season.”
😄 😄 😄
