Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock... boom!
Good morning!
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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What did the client say when they saw the final ad concept?
“Can we make the logo bigger?”
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Your ears are so big if I blew a hairdryer in your face you’d take off.
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Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said. “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross, and said. “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”
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My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
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Which one of Santa’s helpers visits mermaids?
The Elf on the Shelfish.
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I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts.
It’s called “Hole Foods”.
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My wife and I have an open relationship.
Found out last night.
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Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?
They lack the element of surprise.
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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, Little Johnny wrote:
I am thankful I am not a turkey.
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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
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Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.
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How can nursing be a dream job?
If there were no patients and doctors.
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My granddad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Maybe that’s why he got fired from the fire service.
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Yo mamma so fat when she went on a diet she ended world hunger.
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What do you call a letter from a feminist?
Hate male.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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Can you guess why learning sign language is such a good idea?
Because it is quite handy!
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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in room 222.
Close to 17:00, he calls room service from the landline and says the following.“Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The attendant has a hard time understanding the request and, considering that it is the president, not just some regular customer, concludes that he must have overheard an encoded message meant for a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation. Shortly after, two agents are dispatched to the location.
After some hours of work and observation, they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message.
The president eventually calls again and says, “Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The two agents recorded the enigmatic message and, after some more frustration, decided to call in a specialist in the Portuguese language.
The specialist, after learning of the situation, decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president’s room.
When the specialist returned, he explained. “All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room, Two tea, to two two two.”
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