What does a dyslexic Mexican smoke?
Tabasco.
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What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A cab.
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Ole and Lena got married.
After a beautiful ceremony and a fun but modest reception, they got in Ole’s car and headed out on their honeymoon.
When they reached Saint Paul, Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee.
Lena said, “Ole, we’re married now. You can go farder.”
So Ole drove to Duluth.
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Yesterday was May The Fourth be with you. Today is Cinco de Mayo.
Combine the two and tomorrow is Revenge of the Sixth.
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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”
“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”
“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”
“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”
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How many shots can an Irish man handle?
About 10 rounds.
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My wife has a minor in psychology.
I guess you could say she’s a little...
Psycho.
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
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What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
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What does a doctor call a colonoscopy?
An ANALysis.
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
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I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.
It’s a gas!
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Chuck Norris got into a staring contest with the sun today.
The sun blinked.
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Why doesn’t ChatGPT need a vacation?
Because it’s already on cloud nine.
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April Fools’ Day.
The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
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Son: “Dad, have you seen “The Matrix”?”
Dad: “Is that the sequel to April Fools?”
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
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