How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
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Why did the broken leg go to school?
It wanted to learn how to breakdance.
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It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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What do you call an otter with acne?
A spotty otter.
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I used to be a plumber.
But then all of my confidence went down the drain.
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A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
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A database professional walks into a bar...
And joins two tables.
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Forgot it’s April Fools’!
What’s the simplest way to really quickly get some friends, so I can prank them?
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Why does Spider-Man have such good comebacks?
Because with great power comes with great response-ability.
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Would evil alternate-universe Spider-Man be a bad parallel parker?
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I asked my friend what spiders eat.
He didn’t know.
He said I should go and check on the web.
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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
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Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he’ll bellowulf at you, then he’ll shakespeare.
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What does vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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A Karen boards the plane for her trip to Paris. She decides to take a seat in first class even though her ticket is in economy.
The first flight attendant politely asks her to transfer to her seat in coach.
The Karen smugly replies, “I am travelling to Paris, and I will sit wherever I please.”
The second flight attendant approaches her sternly and demands that she move to coach to take her proper seat.
The Karen responds by shouting loudly, “I am going to Paris, and I will sit wherever I damn well please!”
The most senior flight attendant then approaches the Karen, bends down and whispers something in her ear.
The Karen immediately jumps up and shouts, “Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?!” and storms off to her seat in coach.
Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what he whispered, to which the senior flight attendant replies, “We’ve just checked, and someone is sitting in your economy seat.”
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What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
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Why does Mario want to be a celebrity?
Because being a star makes you invincible.
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What did the butter say to the bread?
“I’m on a roll!”
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I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.
After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.
But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling”.
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
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