I just found out that the UK doesn’t have a kidney bank.
But at least it has a Liverpool.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat she blew up the Deathstar.
😄 😄 😄
Three women escape from prison—a blonde and two brunettes—and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.
Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.
One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, “There are just three burlap sacks in here!”
To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.
The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-Man do when he’s not fighting crime?
Web Development.
😄 😄 😄
If watermelon has water in it...
Then what does a kumquat have?
😄 😄 😄
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
😄 😄 😄
Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffle—hard to find and incredibly valuable.
You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.
😄 😄 😄
I hated my haircut at first...
But now it’s starting to grow on me.
😄 😄 😄
I’ll just say “morning” because a good morning would be much later on a Saturday.
😄 😄 😄
What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
😄 😄 😄
When a peanut butter hears a sweet song it exclaims:
“That’s my jam!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Gladys.”
“Gladys, who?”
“Gladys Christmas. You too?”
😄 😄 😄
“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
😄 😄 😄
Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat that even stormtroopers can’t miss her.
😄 😄 😄
What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a blue crab today.
It was quite a claw-some sight.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly when she was born, the nurse said, “I think it is a child...”
😄 😄 😄
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, “So that’s why no one was in church today...”
😄 😄 😄
