How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Eat more chicken.”
“Eat more chicken, who?”
“YOU!”
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I love you more than ice cream.
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What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
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I hate explaining my own jokes. Mostly because I don’t get them either.
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What is CHEVROLET an acronym for?
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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What do Darth Vader and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both escaped the dark side.
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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
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Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...
Sails are through the roof.
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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“Do you know who is coming to our party later on?”
“Yeah, Dee is.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!“
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What state has the most math teachers?
Math-achusetts.
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An employee asked his boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
The boss said, “It’s May.”
“Sorry,” the employee replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
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Good morning to someone who is the best sleeper in the world!
Seriously. It’s been hours. Wake up!
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As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.
On the back of his truck was a sign saying, “How am I driving?”.
I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either.”
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How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
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