A senator is visiting a primary school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” the senator says, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the senator. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent—none of the other children dare volunteer.
“What?” asks the Senator, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.
In a timid voice, he says, “If an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.”
“Marvelous!” the senator beams. “And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be any great loss.”
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Yo mamma’s so fat I thought she’d have Princess Leia on a leash beside her.
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My wife complained that I never take her to expensive places anymore.
So I took her to the gas station.
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What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honey-earth!
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I get plenty of exercise:
jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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I missed my Skype work meeting today.
It’s funny how I’m not even remotely sorry!
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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
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I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden.
I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
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“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.
“Two weeks,” says the customer.
“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”
“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”
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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.
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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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What do you call a lot of cactus?
A cac-ton.
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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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What do you call oyster nuns?
Cloisters.
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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students, “Today we’ll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.”
With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
“Hello, may I please speak to Dave?” says the professor when the other person answers.
“No, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” says the person on the other end.
“You see that students, that’s surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like.”
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number.
When it answers, the professor asks, “Hi, can Dave come to the phone?”
“I told you you have the wrong number!”
“That’s irritation, my friends,” says the professor. “Now, let’s look at what rage looks like.”
He picks up the phone and dials the number again.
When it answers he asks, “Is Dave available?”
“LISTEN, YOU IDIOT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I’LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE!!!”
“And that’s rage.”
“Professor, you forgot the fourth stage,” says a young man in the front row.
“And what might that be?” asks the professor.
“It’s called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate.”
He comes up to the podium, takes the professor’s phone and dials the same number.
“Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?”
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I’ve just bought a new pair of spider silk trousers.
They look great, but the flies keep getting stuck.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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Yo mama so old not even the time stone could make her young.
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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?
He says it’s in beta.
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