How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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What does space smell like?
Uranus!
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Why do cab drivers make good paid search advertisers?
They can really drive in traffic.
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Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue.
One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99.
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Yo mama so stupid Jar Jar questioned her existence!
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What happened when the man went to the acupuncturist?
When he got home, his voodoo doll was dead.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as “The bomb” is not okay.
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Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
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There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy O’furniture.
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What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
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Perfect Boyfriend:
· Does not drink.
· Does not smoke.
· Does not cheat.
· Does not exist.
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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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I was invited to go play Dungeons and Dragons. I was told I needed to pick a race and a class for my character. So I picked white and middle.
Apparently that’s not how it’s played, but I just think they know I’d win.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
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Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?
They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.
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What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
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