Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”
Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”
😄 😄 😄
A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.
The shop assistant takes the man to the bear’s cage and says, “The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don’t touch his nose.”
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.
Until the man can’t no longer withstand, “I have to try what happens when I touch his nose!”
So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.
With his paw, the bear taps the man’s shoulder and says, “You are it!”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar...
His alcoholism is destroying his family.
😄 😄 😄
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She says, “No, first a Gibson then a Fender.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
😄 😄 😄
Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
😄 😄 😄
Every year on April 15...
The IRS pays its taxes to Chuck Norris.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
😄 😄 😄
I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says “How to stop procrasinating”.
I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later.
😄 😄 😄
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
😄 😄 😄
In the spirit of Easter, I’ve hidden eggs around the apartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I’m not telling my roommates.
😄 😄 😄
A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
😄 😄 😄
A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.
The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
😄 😄 😄
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.
The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
😄 😄 😄
Latest space news:
Uranus has a huge split in it and is leaking methane.
😄 😄 😄
I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
😄 😄 😄
“Got any crackers?” asked the duck of the bartender.
The bartender replies, “No, get out of here!”
The duck returns after a few minutes and asks, “Got any crackers?”
The bartender yells, “No! If you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your beak shut!”
The duck returns in a half hour, “Got any nails?”
Bartender: “NO! Get out of here!”
Duck: “Got any crackers?”
😄 😄 😄
Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
😄 😄 😄
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished’?”
😄 😄 😄
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
“Not so loud!” he said.
“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.
“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”
😄 😄 😄
