A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pole: “Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”
Operator: “How do you know?”
Pole: “I checked her medicine cabinet and found ‘Polish Remover’!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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My cousin works in a chocolate shop.
He works behind the bar.
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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
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The punctuation that smells the best is semi-cologne.
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He was seeing the world through blue-tinted glasses.
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Good morning!
Coffee is my morning superhero.
It doesn’t wear a cape, but it sure knows how to rescue me from the grumpiness monster every day.
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I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain foods” don’t actually help your brain at all. It’s all just pseudoscience.
Food for thought.
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Feel my shirt.
It’s boyfriend material.
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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”
The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”
The captain gets a little annoyed.
He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”
The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is mad.
He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”
The light signals back a final message, “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
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Your head is so big that when it rains, your body never gets wet.
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The best gift I ever got was a broken drum.
You can’t beat it.
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What do you call a blue owl?
A hoo-dini.
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It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
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Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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What’s a tall person’s worst fear?
Ceiling fans.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
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