What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
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The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
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I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain foods” don’t actually help your brain at all. It’s all just pseudoscience.
Food for thought.
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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A teacher told her first grade class, “A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!”
A little girl gasped, “How about the married ones?”
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Did you hear about the new strategy where companies collaborate with ill celebrities?
It’s called influenza marketing.
It’s really going viral.
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You know what Lego set Trump played with as a kid?
The wall maker set.
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How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. The light bulb lasts longer than any manager.
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Johnny paid his way through college by waiting in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Johnny, “This is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
“Applied psychology.”
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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good, they got along very well.
One day, he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Polish man: “Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?”
Polish man: “It’s made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Polish man: “No, we have a carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
Polish man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Polish man: “We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Polish man: “No, I always get up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Polish man: “She’s going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?” Polish man: “I’ve got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Polish man: “She’s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.”
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People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it.
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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
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Good morning!
Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!
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