I’ve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
😄 😄 😄
How many Sith Lords does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they prefer it a little on the dark side.
😄 😄 😄
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
😄 😄 😄
What’s my blood doctor’s favorite motivational quote?
Be Positive.
😄 😄 😄
Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781.
But this discovery was roughly 200 years before you were born. How is this possible!?
😄 😄 😄
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
😄 😄 😄
I am sweating like a wax figure in a sauna.
😄 😄 😄
Why do camels make the best comedians on Wednesdays?
Because they know how to get everyone laughing over the hump.
😄 😄 😄
I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had nobody to go with.
😄 😄 😄
What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”
😄 😄 😄
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
😄 😄 😄
Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
😄 😄 😄
Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?
It’s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you’re up to something.
So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don’t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.
But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
😄 😄 😄
How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that’s plaguing the donut industry?
Cut out the middle, man.
😄 😄 😄
