Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.
One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”
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Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son.
Coles Law.
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What’s yellow and always points north?
A magnetic minion.
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Otters have a seafood diet: clams, crabs, mussels, you name it.
Basically, they see food, they eat it.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana piece of your birthday cake.”
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Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and it’d be too farty.
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I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
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A ranger was assigned the task of hunting buffalo. He hired an aboriginal scout to assist him. They set out on their expedition to find buffalo.
After a while, the scout dismounts, places his ear to the ground, and says, “Humm, buffalo come.”
The ranger looks around with his binoculars but sees nothing.
“I see nothing,” he says to the scout, “how do you know buffalo are coming?”
“Ear sticky,” says the scout.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
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I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
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My Mom said she’d been looking forward to Mother’s Day for ages.
I said, “Why? Your Mum’s dead.”
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What is the official animal of National Pi Day?
The pi-thon.
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Then I said, “Your beard makes you look thinner.”
...But that didn’t seem to cheer her up.
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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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What kind of money did the Elf on the Shelf use?
Jingle bills.
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Why does a dog stay in a shadow?
Because it doesn’t want to be a hot dog.
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It’s so hot that my clothes dried right after I took them out of the washing machine.
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If Uranus is disgusting, why on earth do NASA take so many photos of it?
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