Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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What kind of money did the Elf on the Shelf use?
Jingle bills.
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“Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”
😄 😄 😄
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!
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Chuck Norris’s ATM PIN number is the last four digits of Pi.
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What kind of pets does a band have?
Trum-pets.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
😄 😄 😄
If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a restaurant that predominantly uses garlic as an ingredient that caters to literary nerds?
Allicin Wonderland.
😄 😄 😄
What did Jupiter say to Neptune?
“Hey! I can see Uranus from here!”
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What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
😄 😄 😄
Apparently, it’s good to talk to your sunflowers.
I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.
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I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier.
This is the single greatest advance to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature!
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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
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A mummy calls a restaurant.
“Hello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”
“Could you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.
“Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”
😄 😄 😄
How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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