Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
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“Our face is kinda similar to a planet…”
“Oh yeah. Which one?”
“Uranus.”
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What is the difference between a piano, a tuna and a glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
And you probably wondering what about the glue...
I knew you would get stuck on that.
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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
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Yo mama so fat her preferred pronoun is they.
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Guess why I am standing here?
Because I want to be your Mr. Right.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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I had to give up my job as a plumber.
It was just too draining.
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What sort of room can you eat?
A mushroom.
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My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
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What do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention?
You call the hambulance.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.
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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
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Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
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What do you call doctors who graduated online?
Google Docs.
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Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?
There’s always a chance of sprinkles.
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Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, “Is the glass half empty or half full?”
The civil engineer responds, “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
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