What does a bass guitar and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
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Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
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What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
“Gotta go fast!”
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Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, “What a treasure!”
And your dad said, “Yes, let’s bury it.”
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What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?
M’stache.
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What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?
Colonoscopy.
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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says it’s perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
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When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck.
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Every night, I go to bed determined to be productive the following day.
Here’s to a good morning... tomorrow.
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I’m on the rotation diet.
Every time I turn around, I eat.
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Spider-Man and Black Widow first met on the web.
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What’s a tall person’s worst fear?
Ceiling fans.
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After failing my first 2 exams, I just got an A on my third Anatomy exam...
The answers were inside me the entire time.
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What is it that keeps roofing teams together?
Trussed.
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Did you hear about the influencer who became a suicide bomber?
At first he had barely any followers, but then he blew up.
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A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
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What language do Brazilian geese speak?
Portu-geese.
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Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
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I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.
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