Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
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What do you call a lizard that hates Fortnite YouTubers?
An Ali-hater.
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Four turtles were celebrating their 40th birthdays together, when they ran out of ice cream.
They decided the biggest one—Fred—should go to the store and get more. Fred went into the bedroom to get some money.
The rest of them waited for Fred to come back, but after a couple of days they started getting frustrated.
The smallest one said, “Poor Fred. Ever since he turned 40 he’s really getting slow.”
A voice from the bedroom said, “If you’re gonna start saying bad things about me behind my back, l’m not even going!”
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?
Once you reach the appendix, you’re done.
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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
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Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!
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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”
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Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
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How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
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Which store you shouldn’t enter on Friday the 13th?
The ghost-ery store.
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Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic.
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?
He logged in.
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What did the sky say to the ocean?
Nothing, they just had a blue period together.
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My local store sells clothes made of bricks.
It’s a hardware store.
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Why is teamwork important?
It helps to put the blame on someone else!
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