Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
Because his daddy was a mummy.
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I’d hate to be a dragon.
I’d get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
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How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?
He became a vegetarian.
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What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
English teacher: “You mean history.”
Student: “Don’t change the subject!”
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Have you ever tried to buy tickets to the Taylor concert?
It isn’t so Swift.
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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
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Your head is so big that you need to be careful to stay away from needles and pins, so it doesn’t pop.
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A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
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Are you from Paris?
Because Eiffel for you.
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I was making my daughter a sandwich and asked her what kind she wanted.
“We can do peanut butter with either peach preserves or honey,” I told her.
She: “Honey, please!”
“That’s fine,” I thought. “The peach preserves are my jam anyway.”
Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...
There was a jam.
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Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
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What ever happened to the Fried Shrimp emoji?
It was tempurary.
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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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