I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work on a Minion Day.
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What did the peanut butter say to the jelly when they got lost?
“We’re in a jam!”
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What is a myth?
A female moth.
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What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness?
Short and Stout.
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What’s the best drink they make in space?
Le-moon-ade!
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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As an April Fools’ joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant.
Sadly, she didn’t fall for it.
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Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
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2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.
Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right-handed to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice.
A player on the bench says, “At least he got ice on it right away.”
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A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
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An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor, and his real estate agent to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor. “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The real estate agent was aghast, “I’m ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”
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What is the TAB called by aborigines?
The Koori Bank.
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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it.” And yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me. It’s this bloody horse. What is he—deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf—he’s blind!!!”
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever is bugging them.
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A telephone rang.
“Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
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