Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?
This changes everything!
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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The sunflower couldn’t ride a bicycle anymore.
Its petals broke.
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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
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My wife was yelling and upset with me that I couldn’t figure out the exact route to her parents house in Canada from our place in Ohio.
I told her it was border line abuse.
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Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
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Why do otters sleep on their backs?
Because it’s otterly blissful.
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I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
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Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”
“Tell him I’ve got one.”
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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One day at football practice, the nose was sad.
It was probably because he didn’t get picked.
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How do you know when an octopus has diarrhea?
It leaves squid-marks.
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The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
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Your sister is so fat her Apple Watch is an iPad Pro on a rope.
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One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.
That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “Our prices are sofa king low!”.
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Why shouldn’t you go to a party on Mars?
There’s no atmosphere!
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