What do you get when you cross a turtle and an alpaca?
A turtleneck sweater.
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What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?
This is a fine mesh we’ve gotten ourselves into.
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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What is God’s favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
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My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.
Cleanup was a breeze.
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
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What do you call it when someone says it’s June in July?
Ju-lie.
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Never insult a donut.
Some of them have fillings.
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The moon is so cheeky, it’s always playing lunar-tricks.
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December is the worst time of the year for someone who is...
Claus-trophobic!
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Thanks! I hadn’t noticed.
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What do planets read?
Comet books!
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The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing, except Santa.
He wrote: Due To Rain, No Match.
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Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man.
He’s always looking over his shoulder.
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My son and I both have knee problems.
It is a joint issue.
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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
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Why do otters sleep on their backs?
Because it’s otterly blissful.
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Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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Doctor: “Yes, what is it I can do for you?”
Blond: “Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?”
Doctor: “The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is.”
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