I wanted to go bowling, but the pins were on strike.
😄 😄 😄
What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?
McLady.
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they don’t peel.
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Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
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Life is gourd.
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Why did the Smiley moji :-) drop the nose :)?
It was too negative.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what method of transportation self-driving cars use on their day off?
A human driver.
😄 😄 😄
Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?
IRS REFUND department: Non-essential
IRS Audit department: Essential
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Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
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Did you hear that the FBI recently put data scientists on their watch list?
They are definitely plotting something.
😄 😄 😄
So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, “Hey, turkey! I’ve always wondered something…”
Turkey’s like, “Yeah. What’s up?”
And so the chicken says, “That thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever that’s hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?”
And the turkey crosses his eyes and looks down and says, “Beak? What beak?”
😄 😄 😄
Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.
The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.
When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.
The professor begins asking the question, “You are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?”
The student replies, “I open the window.”
“OK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?”
The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, “I don’t know.”
So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.
He begins asking his friend, “You are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?”
He says, “I will take my jacket off.” “OK. But it’s still too hot. What do you do?”
“I take my shirt off.”
“I understand but it’s very, very hot.”
“I will just get naked.”
“OK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.”
“With all respect, professor,” said the student, “I don’t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, there’s no way I’m opening that darn window!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes?
Because they build character.
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A man approaches a priest.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that smile off your face.”
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Did you hear about the flat Earther who got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove all wrong?
He’ll come around eventually.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
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A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived, but was having difficulty finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the real estate agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, “How many children do you have?”
He answered, “12 children.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others?
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother.”
😄 😄 😄
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
😄 😄 😄
Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
😄 😄 😄
Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
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