Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
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Coding Rules:
• If it’s working, don’t touch it.
• Bad code can’t be debugged. Neither can good code.
• If you don’t know something, Google it.
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The English teacher in India.
Teacher: “Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: “I is the...”
Teacher: “Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an ‘I’. Always put ‘am’ after an ‘I’.”
Student: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
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It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January.
I drink on all of the other days.
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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.
Truth be told, I’m dying to find out if there is life after death.
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Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
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Why do people who have TikTok get sick?
Because of all the influenzas.
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Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
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What kind of nut doesn’t have a shell?
A donut.
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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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What do you call a female crab who is also single?
Ms. Shell.
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A boy calls 911.
“911, what is your emergency?”
The boy replied, “My parents are fighting, and I’m scared..”
“Well, who’s your father?”
“Well, that’s what they’re fighting about.”
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What do you call an otter who’s obsessed with trains?
A trainsp-otter.
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Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eep.”
“I eep, who?”
“Gross, you eat poo?!”
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Guess the difference between a hot dog and a corn dog?
One’s stuck up, while the other is laid back!
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Cop: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Shut your mouth, woman!”
Cop: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
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I hope they never ban algebra.
Think of the aftermath!
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