The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
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Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
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What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesn’t know how to knit.
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When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Waffle.”
“Waffle, who?”
“Waffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?”
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
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How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
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I’ve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
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The Earth and the Moon were talking.
Earth: “Moon, how are you?”
Moon: ...
Earth: “Moon! Are you okay??”
Moon: “What? Sorry I was miles away.”
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?
This changes everything!
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Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
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Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short.
Looks like they ran out of characters.
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Good morning!
Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!
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Why don’t lobsters like to share?
Because they’re shellfish.
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I burst into tears right before my physics exam.
The professor asked, “What’s the matter?”
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