I was making my daughter a sandwich and asked her what kind she wanted.
“We can do peanut butter with either peach preserves or honey,” I told her.
She: “Honey, please!”
“That’s fine,” I thought. “The peach preserves are my jam anyway.”
Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...
There was a jam.
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What US state is round on the sides but tall in the center?
Ohio.
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I guess I must be a nine out of ten...
Cause you’re the one I need!
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What do you call a baby with a drum?
A baby boomer.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
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Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they’ll change it back.
It’s only a phase, after all.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
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What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance. All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.
I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.
The operator said, “911, what’s your emergency?”
I said, “Yes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it’s going to, I can deliver it right now!”
The operator replied, “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.”
I asked, “What kind of vehicle would that be?”
The operator said, “A toe-truck!”
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The Laws of Engineering
1. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
3. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. If you can’t fix it—document it.
4. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the servicemen.
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
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What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?
A chicken.
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My friend always makes fun of Uranus.
But I guess that’s just their gaslighting humor.
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Why is it so easy to fool an octopus?
They’re all suckers.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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I entered a Roblox building competition.
But got disqualified because my design was a copy-pastemasterpiece.
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You so dumb can never find your race results because you search for “me”.
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What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A har-vest.
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It’s so hot that my clothes dried right after I took them out of the washing machine.
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An Oxford comma walks into a bar.
Orders a gin, and tonic.
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