I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Turnip.”
“Turnip, who?”
“Turnip the radio, please!”
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It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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Happy 30th, the age where society expects us to have our life together, but we’re still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
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This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
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My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn’t listen.
And now, the end is near.
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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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Yo mama’s so fat that Gardulla the Hutt had a boost in self-esteem after seeing her.
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What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
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What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
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My dad told me to never trust crabs.
They’re shellfish.
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus Christ, I’ve come here to save you.”
“Save me from what?”
“From whatever I’m gonna to do you if you don’t let me in.”
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You so dumb every time you do a fartlek, you say “excuse me”.
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Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?
It was an old family recipe.
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Why did the Roblox character get arrested?
He was caught brick-handed.
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I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
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