Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hoo.”
“Hoo, who?”
“Are you an owl?”
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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
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What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
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Lady says to pharmacist, “Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?”
Pharmacist replies, “Cause that’s all we’ve documented so far.”
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.
It was tearable.
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Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?
New Jersey.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican construction worker?
A renaissance man.
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What’s a clockmaker’s favorite social media site?
TikTok.
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Why do fat people cause earthquakes?
Because they’re always moving plates.
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
“Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow!” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
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One day you can be a morning person, but today is not that day.
It’s the afternoon.
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Yo mama’s so hairy that people run up to her and say “Chewbacca, can I get your autograph?”.
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A world-renowned chemist has passed away.
His will specifies that all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be put in his body.
“Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?” they ask his wife.
To which she replies, “No, just Barium.”
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Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?
Because it’s always pushing electrons around.
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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.
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Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said. “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross, and said. “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”
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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.
A student handed in his work with “The Magna Carta was signed in 1215” written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, “Why did you write this?”
The boy replied, “Because you always say that history repeats itself!”
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work on a Minion Day.
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