What’s a Pinterest user’s favorite type of weather?
Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.
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The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
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I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.
He just applied a dressing and sent me home.
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Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.
So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.
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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
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Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
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What does Spider-Man do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall.
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If you’re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.
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How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.
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Chuck Norris can fold a fitted sheet.
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Yo momma’s so ugly she makes a Gammorrean seem like an attractive date.
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I saw my sister weeping uncontrollably, worried that her Economics degree wouldn’t land her a job.
I said, “Are you having a financial cry, sis?”
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What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
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Why do camels make the best comedians on Wednesdays?
Because they know how to get everyone laughing over the hump.
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My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh harder.
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“LOL stands for laugh out loud and BRB stands for be right back, but what does IDK stand for?”
“I don’t know.”
“Alright, fine I’ll ask somebody else.”
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One day you can be a morning person, but today is not that day.
It’s the afternoon.
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How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that’s plaguing the donut industry?
Cut out the middle, man.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
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