How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it’s down to its last quarter.
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Yo daddy is so ugly that he looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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I took a class on Narcissism.
I’m pretty sure I blew everyone away.
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Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.
“When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,” says the Texas farmer.
The old farmer from Kentucky said, “Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. They’ll get ya all the way ta town and back!”
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Why are astronauts difficult to talk to?
Because they are not down to earth.
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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
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What’s the first month of the year in Transylvania?
Janu-eerie.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
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One scoop of me, plus one scoop of you, equals a big bowl of cute.
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How do you call a series of killings committed by a sloth?
Slothterings.
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I got caught cheating on my physics exam.
Furious, my professor said to me, “I hope you understand the gravity of the situation!”
But if I had known that, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
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What does space smell like?
Uranus!
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I have a friend who does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000’ in height. He doesn’t always wear a safety harness when climbing.
I don’t think he grasps the gravity of the situation.
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Why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it’s a gray area.
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I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
They smell just like burned toast.
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How can nursing be a dream job?
If there were no patients and doctors.
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Can anyone recommend a good bank account?
Mine’s run out of money...
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What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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You need to understand the difference between want and need.
Like I want abs, but I need donuts.
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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