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I can row a boat.

Canoe?

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Last time I went fishing, I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don’t quite remember the rest of the day.

All I really know is that I pulled a mussel.

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What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?

That he had a colored past.

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Went to a pancake restaurant, and asked if my dinner would be long.

The waiter replied, β€œNo, sir, round.”

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Officer: β€œDo you know why I stopped you?”

Blonde: β€œBecause I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”

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What do you call a dog in August?

A hot dog.

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Perfume is a very logical business.

It always makes scents.

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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?

He realized they were squares.

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A young cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said, β€œI’m anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That’s my wife’s mother over there.”

β€œDon’t be silly,” said the wicketkeeper. β€œYou’ll never hit her from here.”

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My daughter was so angry with me when I told her I got her piano lessons.

That’s when I found out she was prone to violins.

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I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think it’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? How?

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Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?

It had too many emotional craters.

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Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?

Moon-iversity!

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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?

This changes everything!

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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.

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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?

Cashews.

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The sunflower couldn’t ride a bicycle anymore.

Its petals broke.

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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.

It was a case of lemon-law.

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