My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
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What do you wear to the September full moon?
A har-VEST.
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What’s the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
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How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hammond.”
“Hammond, who?”
“Hammond eggs for breakfast please!”
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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Boebert asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
Then Boebert said, “I might be stupid, but I know how many one is.”
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I’m not a morning person or a night owl.
I’m a permanently exhausted pigeon just trying to get through the day.
Good morning!
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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What do you call a fisherman who owns a slave?
A Master Baiter.
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An Australian aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing when he notices a massive mud crab out of season.
As quick as can be, he grabs the mud crab and throws it in the trunk of his car.
At that moment, a Department of Fisheries ranger observes Paddy—the aboriginal—putting the mud crab into the trunk of his car.
“Oi, you can’t do that! I saw what you have there. You’ve got a mud crab in the trunk. It isn’t mud crab season. I’ll find you!” Paddy says, “No way, mate. It isn’t what it looks like. This mud crab is my pet. His name is Marty. Every day, I take him down here for a swim. I’ll show you.” So he took the mud crab and put it in the water. The mud crab scuttled away and disappeared. “Well, where is he?” asked the ranger. Paddy: “Where’s what?”
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My local store sells clothes made of bricks.
It’s a hardware store.
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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?
Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.
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I’m balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...
I take antidepressants and now I’m never sad!
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I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said, “Wow, that’s cool!”
And he replied, “Sorry, ma’am, it can only warm.”
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you waiting for... Let’s get out the ice cream!”
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Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
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