If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Sue.”
“Sue, who?”
“Sue-prize! Happy Halloween!”
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Why did the real estate agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable?
Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana suck your blood!”
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A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don’t swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it.
Because seeing is believing.
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An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
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What is a carnivore’s favorite bumper sticker for their car?
“I love animals. They taste great.”
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him.
“Are you a duck?” asked the man, surprised.
Duck: “Yes.”
Man: “What are you doing at the movies?”
The duck replied, “Well, I liked the book.”
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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?
The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.
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Why am I so hot right now?
Because there’s a sunflower near me.
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My old school was sponsored by IKEA.
Assembly took ages.
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Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me.
My record is 21 feet.
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Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league.
But good players are hard to find.
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Last time I went fishing, I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don’t quite remember the rest of the day.
All I really know is that I pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?
Bob.
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Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
It’s irrational.
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Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?
Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
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