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It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

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Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work. What took you so long?

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The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.

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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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August 20, 2020:

Scientists have discovered a β€œmystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021 (Update):

Scientists have determined that the β€œmystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

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What do the San Francisco 49ers playoff run and the Civil War have in common?

Both of them were ended by a man named Sherman.

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A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire, so she called 911.

The blonde told the operator, β€œMy neighbor’s house is on fire!”

The operator asked, β€œWhere are you?”

The blonde answered, β€œAt my house”.

The operator replied, β€œNo, I’m asking how do we get there?”

The blonde said, β€œIn a firetruck, duh!”

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What do you call it when Spider-Man defeats Iron Man?

Tony Stuck.

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Getting up early is the first step in the wrong direction!

Good morning!

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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

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What do you call a unicorn’s dad?

Popcorn.

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I’m a paranoid narcissist.

I’m afraid no one’s out to get me!

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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.

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Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?

Halal Cool J.

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How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

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My tailor really likes fixing my clothes.

Or sew it seams.

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Your mama’s so short during the election Donald Trump accidentally stepped on her and he thought he stepped on a brownieο»Ώ.

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Roses are red, violets are blue.

A face like yours, belongs in a zoo.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To bock traffic.

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CNN made a joke article for April Fools.

Just another day in the office.

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