Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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Do not be racist, be like Mario.
He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
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My wife just now: “Do men’s ears actually work, or are they just for decoration?”
Me: “What?”
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I started working at a watermelon street market booth. My first customer was I guy really big. Seriously built, kind of like The Rock but taller.
He asks, “How much for the watermelon?”
Me: “8 dollars.”
Guy: “Okay, I want half. Here’s $4.”
Me: “Sir, we only sell entire watermelons. For 8 bucks.”
Guy: “I am telling you that I want half.”
The guy was getting angry.
Me: “Sir, let me repeat. We only sell entire watermelons for 8 each.”
Guy: “Well, then go ask your manager because I want to buy HALF OF A WATERMELON!”
Now the guy was pretty pissed.
So, I went to the back of the tent and was explaining to my boss, “This ridiculous, stupid man wants to buy only half a watermelon for 4 dollars!”
And then I looked, and the giant was standing right behind me with a very bad face. Eyes blood-red in anger.
So I said very graciously, “And, this fine gentleman here would like to purchase the other half.”
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
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Noah’s Diary Day 39:
Unicorn pie is delicious!
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So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.
Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?”
The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.
A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”
Chief: “What sort of problem?”
Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”
Chief: “Important like the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no, much more important than that.”
Chief: “Important like the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that.”
Chief: “Like the president?”
Cop: “Much more important.”
Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”
Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
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Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
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Boomer to a Millennial: “Nothing in life is free.”
Also boomer to a Millennial: “The job doesn’t pay money, but it pays you in experience.”
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Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
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My father asked me how my last hike went.
I told him, “It had its ups and downs.”
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Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says, “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks, “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies, “No, I only live round the corner.”
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I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.
4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.
I still don’t know where plankton is.
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Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
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What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?
Panquakes.
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