What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?
A St. Pat-trick!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
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The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
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An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
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My physicist girlfriend told me that she loves me to the moon and back.
I’m worried she means displacement, not distance.
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Went to a pancake restaurant, and asked if my dinner would be long.
The waiter replied, “No, sir, round.”
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What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.
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What do you call a penny that thinks for itself?
A centient.
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Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.
I hope they’ve put it straight into iceolation.
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In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
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The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist sees the glass completely full—half with liquid and half with air.
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What does CHEVROLET stand for?
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
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How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
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What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
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What did the plumber call his restroom?
A home office.
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I just joined a gym for religious minorities.
Jehovah’s Fitness.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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