A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
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What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
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Spider-Man and Black Widow first met on the web.
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I wonder what the moon’s favorite bagel is?
Probably cinna-moon raisin.
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Why does it take marketers so long to order a pizza?
Because they have to run A/B tests to choose the best toppings.
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I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.
His bark was way worse than his bite.
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Why did the ant hidebehind the tree?
To trip the elephant.
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Why was the math book sad on National Pi Day?
Because it had too many problems.
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How do you know the Fourth of July is an American holiday?
Because everybody says “Stay Safe”.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?
Planet-ting.
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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).
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What happens if a Tesla gets hit by lightning?
No need to charge it for the next year.
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I mustache Mario a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
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So, what’s the speed of dark?
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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
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My wife, who is an economics professor told me she wants a divorce.
I’m not surprised, over the years I’ve felt she lost interest on me.
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What’s a hen’s favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
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A German man was visiting the UK.
He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was.
The local said 999.
The German man walked away and asked another local for the number.
Again, he got the same response.
Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.
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The 5 secrets to happiness for men:
1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.
2. Find a woman who can cook.
3. Find a woman who really listens to you.
4. Find a woman who is great in bed.
5. Make sure these 4 women don’t find out about each other.
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True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when you’re in trouble, you can cry on it when you’re in pain, you can embrace it when you’re happy.
So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!
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