What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke.
😄 😄 😄
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
😄 😄 😄
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
😄 😄 😄
What did one flea say to the other?
“Shall we walk or take the cat?”
😄 😄 😄
Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
😄 😄 😄
My crush told me I smelled nice.
Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her boyfriend some.
😄 😄 😄
I want to make a Facebook account, and the name will be Nobody, so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it.
And it will say “Nobody likes this”.
😄 😄 😄
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
😄 😄 😄
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine.
Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
😄 😄 😄
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka.
😄 😄 😄
An employee asked his boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
The boss said, “It’s May.”
“Sorry,” the employee replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
😄 😄 😄
Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
😄 😄 😄
An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
😄 😄 😄
I might have gotten the flu in China.
Well, WHO cares?
😄 😄 😄
Have you heard of the band 999 Megabytes?
They’ve never had any gigs.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
What is the moon’s favorite type of cheese?
Moon-zerella cheese!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.
😄 😄 😄
What will reading sun jokes under the sun make you?
Well red.
😄 😄 😄
