Did you know Uranus is so big, it can’t even fit into lightweight jeans?
It needs quasar sizes!
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Why do cab drivers make good content marketers?
They can really drive in traffic.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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How do you make a Pinterest user laugh?
Show them a pin-teresting joke.
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The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
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I wasn’t staring at you...
I was trying to figure out if that’s your forehead or the moon.
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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
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My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears.
Looking back, it was obvious. He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
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What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?
I don’t know, but his wife said he was a cheetah.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
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Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s no mush-room.
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My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he’s much older than me, he has healthier teeth.
I said it must be because he has a better dentist.
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Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?
Let’s get cracking.
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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
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How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
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I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator.
Right then I realized everyone was raised differently.
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Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
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WFH diary, day 1:
Power went out during recording, construction workers are extra loud today, daughter walked in on a meeting singing “I like banaaaaanas” at the top of her lungs.
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Star Trek characters make the worst sports fans.
They always root for the away team.
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