Which Marvel supervillain loves being under the sun?
Tan-os.
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Minnie came out of her room after changing for a dinner party. Goofy was there.
Minnie asked, “Goofy, how do I look?”
Goofy replied, “Like everyone else, with your eyes!”
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Our love is a fruit salad!
We are a great pear and I cherryish you.
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.
He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.
The man replies, “You’re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.”
“Thanks,” replies the balloonist. “By the way, are you a data analyst?”
“Yes,” replies the man, “how did you know?”
“Everything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.”
“I’m sorry,” replied the camel-riding analyst. “By the way, are you a company manager?”
“Yes,” said the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” replied the analyst, “You’ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction you’re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.”
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Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, “It is awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn’t it?”
Other recruit replies, “Everyone must be watching the band.”
“There is no band on this ship.”
“No, I definitely heard the captain say “A band on ship!”.
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To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
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Where did the vampire teacher throw the Teachers’ Day party?
In Pencilvania.
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If a deaf person goes to court...
Is it still called a hearing?
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It’s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
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What do you call a Scottish girl with a fake tan in an Indian restaurant?
A mango lassie.
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I got abducted by aliens...
I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.
It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.
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Donut underestimate the power of baked goods.
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When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?
On Fry Day.
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My wife makes my pancakes too thin.
Tomorrow morning, I am telling her I am sick of her crêpe.
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Hot dogs really should be renamed to hot wolves... They always come in packs.
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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of it’s bark.
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Therapy patients are narcissists.
All they do is talk about their own problems.
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