Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.
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A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
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What do you call someone who doesn’t believe it is June yet?
A May-sayer.
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You’re so fat when you perch a penny, Lincoln screams.
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Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?
Because they have no rights.
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Girlfriend: “Excuse me, could you please close that window? It’s terribly cold outside.”
Boyfriend: “And you seriously think it’s going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!”
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My friend told me that onions were the only things that could make him cry.
So I threw a bowling ball at him to prove him wrong.
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While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
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What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?
Art.
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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
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I got abducted by aliens...
I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.
It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.
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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
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What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?
Indiana.
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What do you call a gender-confused cactus that relocates to another country?
A trans plant.
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What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
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Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
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How can an artist fill in a CV?
Drawing from experience.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mikey.”
“Mikey, who?”
“Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?”
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What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?
They all deal with gross domestic product.
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Why was the bacon tree so angry when the axemen came?
Because he thought it was a ham-bush.
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