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A pigeon flies out of a coffeeshop and hits a seagull.

Two birds, one stoned.

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Why did the candy bar cross the road?

Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!

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I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.

He said, β€œSuit yourself.”

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What do TikTok and a refrigerator have in common?

You keep going back to check whether there’s anything decent in it every few minutes!

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What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?

A boocati.

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Please, donut break my heart.

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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.

Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.

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What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

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Today’s working from home tip:

Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.

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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

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Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?

Because she sprained her angle!

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What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

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What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

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It’s hotter than a door knob in a barn blaze out here.

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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?

It gets wet.

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They say today is Pi Day.

But for me, it will always be cake day!

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What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?

Ogreboard.

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What kind of car does an electrician drive?

A Volts-wagon.

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Why did the watermelon go crazy?

He lost his rind.

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I’m all for three things:

Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.

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