Captain Edward Smith’s last meal included lettuce on his plate.
Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.
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I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving.
Now I’m in trouble with the U.S. Army.
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Did you hear about the planet Uranus?
It’s quite gas-sy.
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Why are bass guitarists always safe?
Because they stay out of treble.
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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
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The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while I’m on my PlayStation.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Noah better way to wish you a happy birthday!”
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Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
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What is the difference between Pokémon Go and Tinder?
On Pokémon Go you swipe up to try and capture fake characters in a virtual world.
On Tinder, you swipe right.
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What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.
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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
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Alert, alert!
The most wonderful human on earth is about to wake up!
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Yeah, god only lets things grow until they’re perfect.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana piece of your birthday cake.”
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How do you know you’re old?
It’s your birthday, and there are more candles than cake.
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What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A cab.
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How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
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Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.
The indigenous people, however, have reservations.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Coal.”
“Coal, who?”
“Coal me when Santa’s on his way.”
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What do you call a tuna with a monocle?
Sofishticated.
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