A pigeon flies out of a coffeeshop and hits a seagull.
Two birds, one stoned.
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Why did the candy bar cross the road?
Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!
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I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.
He said, “Suit yourself.”
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What do TikTok and a refrigerator have in common?
You keep going back to check whether there’s anything decent in it every few minutes!
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What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?
A boocati.
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Please, donut break my heart.
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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
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What did they call the first person to bake a pie?
A pie-oneer.
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Today’s working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
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Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?
Because she sprained her angle!
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What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
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What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg lettuce.
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It’s hotter than a door knob in a barn blaze out here.
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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?
It gets wet.
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They say today is Pi Day.
But for me, it will always be cake day!
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What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?
Ogreboard.
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What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon.
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Why did the watermelon go crazy?
He lost his rind.
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I’m all for three things:
Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.
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