What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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Your fun-sized gleam of sarcastic sunshine has arrived to wake you up.
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You’re so scary that even your hairline ran a way.
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I wish love is like a baby shampoo it has “No more tears formula”.
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Wife to therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist to husband: “What does she mean?”
Husband: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?
Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.
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Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Elves.”
“Elves, who?”
“Elves that need directions to the North Pole!”
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Yo mama’s so flatulent that she forced the sand people out of a single file.
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
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A physicist is watching a man who believes he can fly. Every time he goes up the steep hill, he jumps off and hurts himself.
The physicist watches this for 7 days.
On the 8th day, he goes to the man and says, “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation.”
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What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
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What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
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I’m a poet and I know it.
“I dug,
You dug,
He dug,
She dug,
We all dug!”
It’s not a great poem, but it’s deep.
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Star Trek characters make the worst sports fans.
They always root for the away team.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
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English teacher: “Give me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes.”
Student: “Mistakes in the dark make children.”
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