What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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Your fun-sized gleam of sarcastic sunshine has arrived to wake you up.
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Youβre so scary that even your hairline ran a way.
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I wish love is like a baby shampoo it has βNo more tears formulaβ.
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Wife to therapist: βHe always misunderstands simple questions.β
Therapist to husband: βWhat does she mean?β
Husband: βItβs a feminine pronoun.β
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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?
Because if they fell forwards, theyβd still be in the boat.
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Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
Theyβre not feeling so blue anymore.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βElves.β
βElves, who?β
βElves that need directions to the North Pole!β
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Yo mamaβs so flatulent that she forced the sand people out of a single file.
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
Iβm feeling canneloni right now.
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A physicist is watching a man who believes he can fly. Every time he goes up the steep hill, he jumps off and hurts himself.
The physicist watches this for 7 days.
On the 8th day, he goes to the man and says, βI donβt think you understand the gravity of the situation.β
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What do you call someone whoβs really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, βWho do you think the best soccer player in the world is?β
The smart guy replies, βBefore it was Ronaldo but now itβs Messi.
The second interviewer asks, βWhen did the phone come out?β
The smart guy replies, βThe first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.β
The last interviewer asked, βDo you believe in UFOs?β
The smart guy replies, βI donβt know, but I think so.β
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasnβt that bright so the first one asked, βWho is your father?β
The dumb guy replies, βBefore it was Ronaldo but now itβs Messi.β
The second interview asks, βWhen were you born?β
He replied, βI came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.β
The last interviewer asked, βAre you dumb?β
The dumb guy says, βI donβt know, but I think so.β
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What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
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Iβm a poet and I know it.
βI dug,
You dug,
He dug,
She dug,
We all dug!β
Itβs not a great poem, but itβs deep.
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Star Trek characters make the worst sports fans.
They always root for the away team.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, βItβs the best thing thatβs ever happened to me. My wife thinks Iβm with my mistress. My mistress thinks Iβm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!β
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English teacher: βGive me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes.β
Student: βMistakes in the dark make children.β
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