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Funny Jokes


How did the cowboy save so much money?

His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.

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What is the favorite fruit of feminists?

Mangoes.

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What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews.

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You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.

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Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

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Good morning!

Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!

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This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.

Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.

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I was at the paint store the other day and after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, β€œDo you wanna box for that?”

I replied, β€œNo but I’ll wrestle you for it.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDonut.”

β€œDonut, who?”

β€œDonut worry, be happy!”

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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, β€œExcuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”

β€œEasy,” said the teacher, β€œyou just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.”

β€œThanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.

β€œGood,” said the teacher, and then asked the French student, β€œso how do you say 4/8?”

β€œShould I reduce?” asked the boy.

β€œThat would be best,” said the teacher.

β€œOne-second,” said the boy.

β€œTake as long as you need,” said the teacher.

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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, β€œIf your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

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There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.

So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.

She used pap-reek-her.

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I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.

They said, β€œI guess you’re really into extreme living conditions!”

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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.

It replied, β€œSorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”

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I was saddened to learn that my cousin was run over by a boat in Venice today.

I sent his family my gondolances.

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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.

But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

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From the depths of your slumber, I summon thee.

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Chuck Norris completed Pokemon Go.

On a landline.

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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

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I really want to start a donut shop.

But I don’t have enough dough.

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