I don’t hate leg day.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand.
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Chuck Norris is the reason terrorists hide in caves.
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You’re so dumb that you thought a quarterback was a refund.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Alpaca.”
“Alpaca, who?”
“Alpaca the birthday presents, you blow out the candles!”
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How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
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What did the grouchy moon say?
Just get outer my space!
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How can an artist fill in a CV?
Drawing from experience.
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Yo momma’s so stupid that she thinks Jar Jar is filled with Peanut Butter Peanut Butter!
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What is a soldier’s most active day of the year?
March forth!
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Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son.
Coles Law.
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Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldn’t find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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Your mama’s so short she sat on a coin and her feet didn’t touch the ground.
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Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
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What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?
Bison.
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I like work. It fascinates me.
I sit and look at it for hours.
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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo at night.
Knowing that he could hop really high, the zoo officials decided to put up a ten-foot fence.
However, they were amazed to find the kangaroo was out again the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
So they put up a twenty-foot fence instead.
Again the next morning, they were amazed to find the kangaroo had still go out.
So they started to put up a forty foot high fence.
As the animals in the zoo watch this, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo replied, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night.”
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What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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