How did the cowboy save so much money?
His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.
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What is the favorite fruit of feminists?
Mangoes.
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What do peanuts wear on their feet?
Cashews.
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Youβre so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.
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Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?
Because he lost May.
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Good morning!
Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!
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This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
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I was at the paint store the other day and after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, βDo you wanna box for that?β
I replied, βNo but Iβll wrestle you for it.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDonut.β
βDonut, who?β
βDonut worry, be happy!β
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, βExcuse me, Madam, but I donβt know how to say fractions. How do you say those?β
βEasy,β said the teacher, βyou just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.β
βThanks, I understand,β said the exchange student.
βGood,β said the teacher, and then asked the French student, βso how do you say 4/8?β
βShould I reduce?β asked the boy.
βThat would be best,β said the teacher.
βOne-second,β said the boy.
βTake as long as you need,β said the teacher.
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, βIf your brothers start arguing, donβt take sides.β
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.
So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.
She used pap-reek-her.
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I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.
They said, βI guess youβre really into extreme living conditions!β
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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.
It replied, βSorry, theyβre just not my atmosphere.β
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I was saddened to learn that my cousin was run over by a boat in Venice today.
I sent his family my gondolances.
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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
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From the depths of your slumber, I summon thee.
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Chuck Norris completed Pokemon Go.
On a landline.
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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, heβd fall down.
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I really want to start a donut shop.
But I donβt have enough dough.
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