April 4th. National School Librarian Day.
I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “That sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a claim that a guy could eat a foot long hot dog in two bites?
Hard to swallow.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
😄 😄 😄
So when December comes around I sit under the Christmas tree, wrap myself in wrapping paper, and live in the present.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris was in a knife fight.
The knife lost.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You don’t get a lollipop afterward.
😄 😄 😄
Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?
Masc-a-pony.
😄 😄 😄
People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.
Truth be told, I’m dying to find out if there is life after death.
😄 😄 😄
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
😄 😄 😄
What are Pee Wee Herman’s favorite baseball teams?
The Expos and The Yankees.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old not even the time stone could make her young.
😄 😄 😄
Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens only abduct white people?
Because they are easier to see in the dark.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.
😄 😄 😄
Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson’s Nails.
“Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with an ad.”
A week goes by, and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play:
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”
Another week goes by, and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad.
He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time, the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson is beside himself, “You don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”
A week passes, and Benson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to the camera, and says, “If only we had used Benson’s Nails!”
😄 😄 😄
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it’s gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
“What time do you think it is?” One of them asks the other.
“Just make a ton of noise,” says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways.
After a few seconds of screaming a light turns on in another yard and a neighbour yells, “YOU CRAZY KIDS, IT’S 2 IN THE MORNING!!”
😄 😄 😄
I auditioned for the role of Mickey Mouse, but I didn’t get the part.
The director said I was too Goofy.
😄 😄 😄
Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?
Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.
😄 😄 😄
Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
😄 😄 😄
