What do you call a Hispanic man who spilled his nachos?
A messycan.
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I threw away my can opener.
It was more of a can’t opener.
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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What’s the best drink they make in space?
Le-moon-ade!
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The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by.
“What was that?” inquired the steward.
“Oh nothing,” said the trainer, “just a polo”.
He offered one to the steward and had one himself.
After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, “Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.”
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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
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What do you call a Scottish girl with a fake tan in an Indian restaurant?
A mango lassie.
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I’ve been cycling to work for a whole month now...
You would have thought I would be there by now.
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You’re so short that you can save on rent by living in a doll’s house.
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How do you hire a Forty Niners punter?
By putting him on stilts.
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Me: “Happy National Pi Day!”
Her: “Aren’t you a few days late lol?”
Me: “Sorry, I was being irrational.”
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Why did the cops arrest the donut baker?
He was caught pinching the salt.
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Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?
He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.
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Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
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Friend 1: “I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.”
Friend 2: “How do you know?”
Friend 1: “She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.”
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Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?
Animal control.
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What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?
Hogs and kisses.
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Yo mama’s ears are so big she can hear what I’m thinking.
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I think if women really got to know me, they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter Bunny.
On the outside sweet but hollow and disappointing on the inside.
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What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?
Coco pebbles.
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